Have I lost the capacity for clarity? My mind feels dull, as though the effects of my recklessness are finally taking their toll. Will I regret my commitment to the present when all the nimbleness of thought that I was born with has left my body, replaced by assortments of rum and whisky derivatives?

Perhaps. But would this be a testament to the fun I've had? Would this be a sign that I lived twice as furiously, half as long? Or will it mean that, when I am finally ready to create something, I instead find it lost in a sea of murky, clouded thoughts.

An experiment comes to mind - self-imposed prohibition will reign, and I the scientist will examine the regenerative powers of my own brain.

Results to follow.

It's not as if I didn't know I couldn't be trusted.

I'm back, you see. This morning, as I woke, everything had come back to me and I was free once more.

I spent most of the morning singing and dancing in my basement room, high as a kite from my liberation from love - the most debilitating of afflictions.

There is clarity once more. I can make plans for my life. I can dissect things with reason. It is a sad, cynical and unromantic existence in theory. But in practice it is a celebration of optimism, fun and freedom from pain, responsibility and obligation.

I will be back there one day. I know this. But today I will rejoice, for I am free.

So there's this girl.

This is not uncommon.

But that there is a girl is probably the only common thing about it.

It makes absolutely no sense. It is fucking ridiculous actually. And it has no place in my life.

But there's this girl. And I can't get her out of my head.

I've known her for two years. She lives with my best mate. I never felt anything for her. I've slept in her bed a hundred times and only thought about trying to shag her the last two times - and even then, only because I'm a boy and that's what I do with girls now.

She came to my place for New Years. So did many of my friends. I had absolutely no intentions for her. There were other girls. But I was watching her dancing on my dining table in her underwear with one of these friends, and suddenly everything made sense. Everything and nothing.

My world is upside down. I have lost all sense of self. I have no clue where to go from here, except to her. But that's nowhere I've ever gone before. And could I possibly stay?