Monday, March 12, 2012

A profound realisation is upon me.

Since the last post I have continued in my extended state of euphoria until this afternoon, when I crashed dramatically into misery. Having arrived at a plan which assured my poverty (whilst denying my freedom of movement) until April 2014, I fell into deep despair.

You see, for some time I have been labouring under the delusion that I am destined for "greatness" - all the while aware that this was nought but vanity and would give me no lasting satisfaction.

Today, having committed myself to a filmmaking program with this greatness in mind, I hit rock bottom, wondering just how the fuck I would satisfy this most petty of desires.

Four hours later, with the help of loud music, alcohol and deep thought, I have emerged transformed and my ego is gone. What I knew before about its futility I now believe. What my smart brain once thought my dumb heart now feels.

At around 6pm tonight I was in tears at just how I had got to this point having always been so happy. Now, at 11pm, drunk, I am once again dancing alone in my room to whatever music will play through my beautiful speakers. I am saved. I am cleansed. Fuck you ego. Fuck you "greatness". We are all dead men in the end.

I want to travel and make films. I want to teach and write, shag chicks and have fun. I want to explore what is. I want to leap in faith. I want to sing and laugh and dance and breathe and, finally, as I return to the dust from whence I came, I want tears of rapture to stream down my enlightened face.

Pray for me, for in the morning I shall hurt. But for now, goodnight.